Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Curses, swallows again

I'm a tragic failure as a blogger. I just would really rather read what everyone else writes. It takes so much less effort. I thought I would love to blog but really I don't have that much to say and my observations are usually a bit warped and hard to follow.

Here's what I'm dealing with right now...a bird with an axe to grind. Last year like some dumb bunny, I let a "darling little swallow couple" make a really nasty, muddy nest on my front porch and raise their brood of obnoxious children there. I really should have done a little research and knocked that bird condo right off the porch but I didn't. I thought it would be fun to observe nature and the "circle of life" up close and personal. WHAT WAS I THINKING.

First, the reason swallows look so cute is to hide their vile temperment. They are mean and territorial and have a penchant for swooping really, really close to your head. Secondly, they poop like no tomorrow and no matter how much you scrape and sweep, there is still more POOP. Finally, and this was the kicker, they are prone to parasites, read this as bird lice and mites. We are probably all going to die an early death because of all the pesticides I had to use on my FRONT porch to take care of these parasites. They were marching all over everything. EEEWWW, I get the heeby-geebies just thinking about it. What is didn't know until this year was they COME BACK to the same place to nest. Over my dead body.

I've been knocking down their nest with mind single to this task. They have taken it personally and attack me when I do so. For two weeks I've had brooms hung up on my porch like a bad impersonation of a scarecrow. Then I got the idea to make "swallow shields". One of the reasons they like my porch is my set up for Christmas lights. I have hooks set to string them on and they are the perfect size perch for the little demons. I cut the bottoms off of milk cartons and cut them to look like flowers, more or less, and then I impaled them on the hooks. I took off all my "scarecrows", patted myself on the back and walked back into my house. Hmmm, bird problem solved. WRONG.

One of them has sworn a vendetta against me and is stalking me. I walked out the next morning and there, perched precariously on a "swallow shield" was the swallow. Not just perched but hunkered over, giving me the "dirty stink eye" when I walked out for work. Every morning there it sits forming it's horrible plan. I walk to the car looking over my shoulder because they dive bomb me when I'm in my front yard.

I refuse to yield and match him glare for glare. I just hope he/she eventually gets fed up with me and moves to friendlier climes.

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