Tuesday, August 31, 2010

So, another shot at bloggery...

I haven't blogged in quite some time. I started to get burned out talking about myself and my family. I felt like I really didn't have anything to pass along. I felt presumptuous. What does it matter what is going on in my brain?! Lately though, I began to think of blogging as cathartic. So, I'll give it another whirl.

This past weekend I had the wonderful pleasure to see a dear "niece" get married to her love. I adore her parents and her aunts and uncles and her grandma. In fact, they have been a part of my life for 40+ years. I hadn't seen them in about 8 years. I didn't realize until we had gathered how much I longed to see them. I get teary-eyed thinking about it. I can't put into words how I felt when I saw each one again. I was elated and embarassed and angry with myself all at one time. But what a grand reunion. Each one so marvelous in his/her own right with really interesting talents and personalities.

I also got to see once again the dear woman I love like a mother. I learned so much from her and her family as I grew up. From her I learned compassion and sympathy and generosity. I learned what it is to love someone and how to have a sense of humour doing it. I learned that people can be trusted. She was a spunky, vivacious, cheerful woman and now she is growing old. She's been quieted by her feeble body, changed by stroke and illness. She speaks with her eyes and her hands and I just love her. I was so sad to see her in that state but as I spent time with her she came through loud and clear. Her life is different but her family loves her and she is just as fiesty as ever. I just love her.

The wedding was beautiful. The ceremony simple but heartfelt; the reception loud with laughter and music. As I watched the bride and her new husband just starting out on the journey I was struck with a thought. Her parents and I had lived our lives, not over hopefully for awhile, but the greatest portion was behind us now. The love had been passed to the next generation. I felt a bit of sorrow about this since I still feel about 17. Of course a quick glance in the mirror dispels that notion and it takes a bit of time in the morning to get all the joints working in unison. I felt contentment too. I've done the best I've known how to do. I absolutely cherish my children and the lives they are building. I think longingly about my husband, now gone 10 years, our time was too short.

I been sad too. I've let the anxiety of uncertainty dictate quite a bit of my life. Somehow, I've let anxiousness decide more than it should. Can a life lived so conservatively be fulfilling? I don't know. I've done the best I think I could have in the circumstances I've lived.

So what about the next day, week, years (I hope). I think it's time for my last hurrah and I'm more than a little nervous about it. I want to go out with a bang, not a whimper.